So. Tumblr.
I’m kind of embarrassed. Add that to the above list.
I had this long intro written out about how I love all of you for holding my hand through this whole getting better thing, but it just mysteriously disappeared.
ANYWAYS this post will be more relevant to people who’ve been around since my pre-tumblr days, but you all should read it because each and every one of you deserves to know the truth. As uneasy as I feel about it right now, I deserved to know it too.
ANTI-DASHBOARD CLOGGING PAGE BREAK KEEP READING
Lately I’ve been reanalyzing my story- trying to figure out who and what I demonized or blew out of proportion during those years when I could barely keep breathing.
I don’t remember a lot of it, but conveniently I wrote enough down to piece things together.
(now seems like a good enough time to mention that I’m doing everything in my ability to not write this. Being confronted with the truth in your memories and blogs is scary.)
I’m working on an art, right? About a guy who I used to date named Kyle and rebuilding after your life’s been shattered like a broken window. And how hard that is. Long story short, no matter how I look at it I can’t undemonize him. He really was a demon to me, to the tune of verbally and emotionally abusive.
The point of this post is not to go on a rant about our relationship (it was bad and lasted longer than it should have). There is one nit I have to pick in specific. And it’s more like a horsefly than a nit.
(now seems like a good time to mention that I don’t want to type this next thing because once I type it, I’ve officially acknowledged it and I have to officially deal with the accompanying rancor in my brain.)
Long story short (for those of you who don’t have the details- this is a brief outline), we started dating when I was a couple months shy of graduating high school. We broke up in july after my freshman year of college. In the inbetween time, specifically fall-winterish of that year, I had some reproductive issues. Namely I was having my period every two weeks or something like that. Lots of period in a small window. I went to a gynecologist and explained the situation and got on birth control- problem solved. Right?
Sort of. Kyle then went and talked to a nurse about it (I don’t remember what his relationship to her was, but he trusted her. also note that she never talked to me. ever.) He and this nurse came to the conclusion that I had a miscarriage.
Upon doing research for the art that I’m making, I’ve come across my data on this. And upon revisiting the data, the emotions, and the time period (in memory), I came to a conclusion on my walk home from work tonight:
I did not, in fact, have a miscarriage. He convinced me that I did.
I have spent the last 5 years of my life living with this “fact”. It’s not true. I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t lose the baby. There was no baby to lose.
Who fucking does that? What does that even mean, when you convince someone that they were pregnant with your child and then had a miscarriage? What kind of person believes that when a gynecologist informs them that they were just having weird periods?
I have told so many people about that. And I guess I can’t feel bad, because I believed it. But still! Aaaagh!
I feel duped. I was duped. And I’m sorry for lying (however unintentionally) to all of you.
I had ideas that maybe it wasn’t true- see this drawing from 2008 when I was all hopped up on antidepressants and xanax.
When I was sober, however, I believed it. I almost always believed it, saving the months surrounding the drawing. And it didn’t happen.
That’s all I’ve got for tonight. I’m kind of upset. Mostly at being made a liar, and because I feel stupid.
I’m gonna press on, though. It’ll be ok. The truth is the most important thing, after all.
If you’ve got any comments I will direct you here. I’m gonna go to bed and try to wake up feeling less stupid and more accepting of the fact that that situation was very complex and intense and that the important part is knowing the truth. Also please refrain from telling me I told you so. I know you did (you know who you are). Just forgive me for propagating this lie. We’re all in the process of becoming better people… I’m doing the best I can with what I have to work with.
