Anyways. Warning: this post contains things I don’t even want to think about. And talking about sex.
I’m coming to realize more and more these days that a lot of my shit has to do with growing up loving Jesus. It blows my mind that something that means so well can do so much damage. They told me all of these things, right? And what happened was that I internalized a lot of them, even after I decided to not care about them.
This mostly has to do with sex, I guess.
The queer thing kind of fucked me over, but the whole “wives be obedient to your husbands” thing REALLY fucked me over. I was just left with guilt about being queer, but the other bit left me so repressed and passive that it’s hard for me to sustain a successful, healthy relationship. Everything I saw in the nondenominational church, as far as women and sex was concerned, was submission and not enjoying it. Nobody talked about it, except for the ladies who hated sex and just did it to keep their husbands happy. Even my mother, who loves sex, has only said to me “If you don’t have sex with your husband, someone else will”. I think that sums up the perspective on it. You don’t talk about it, other than to say either you don’t like it, or that it’s the best sex you’ve ever had in your life because it’s the only sex you’ve had in your life.
This is the argument for abstinence, folks. The sex you have with your husband or wife will be the best you’ve ever had because it’ll be the only sex you’ve been exposed to.
I’m betting that christian dudes are also accommodating for the fear of our bodies and their bodies that the church instills in women. they probably just get it done with. I wouldn’t know.
What I do know is that I was programmed to be afraid of sex. I wasn’t born this way. (thing i do not want to talk about time)
When I was very young, before they got to me, exploring my body was one of my favorite things to do. Any and every time I was left unsupervised I would do just that.
Then they got to me. Masturbation doesn’t work anymore. I try about once a year and always just end up feeling guilty. I can’t bring myself to even really initiate sex* because it’s “dirty” and “sinful”.
Suffice it to say that I’ve got guilt issues, I guess. It permeates the rest of my life and makes it hard to make friends and even harder to allow myself to be happy. I’ve found a workaround for happiness, sort of, in that I’m coming back from something awful and can at least be happy about that. These things that they hardwired into me are trying to ruin me.
At least that’s how it seems.
Once upon a time my mother told me that I’m going to save the world.
I don’t know how to deal with that, still. She won’t explain what she meant. I’ve managed to get her to admit that she did tell me that, but if I try to bring it up she won’t talk about it. And I guess that I don’t think that my actions are good enough for the savior of the world. So I get guilty. I’m not good enough to be the second coming or some shit, and it paralyzes me.
Me: What do you think I’m going to be when I grow up?
Her: (pause, then, getting very serious) You’re going to save the world.
Me: (confused expression) What do you mean?
Her: (stutters, becomes flustered) Maybe I shouldn’t have told you yet…. (more being nervous and flustered)
What the hell am I supposed to glean from that?
It made me feel I had to act the part, I guess. And to me at the time, that part involved her religion. Still kind of does.
That right there is the thing that I can’t shake… to this day I still feel like maybe I am going to save the world. Or that I’m supposed to. That’s some serious shit to be dropping on a 16 year old. Especially one who has trouble with living in the first place. My only consolation in all of this is that Jesus didn’t start preaching until he was 30. and the life expectancy back then was a lot shorter.
So, essentially, if there is a god, and if my mother is right, that I’m going to save the world, I’ve got at least another 25 years before I need to start saving people. If not more. At the absolute worst, I’ll see the light in 7 years. So I shouldn’t worry about it.
I mean, I shouldn’t worry about it either way, because if I’m gonna save the world I’m gonna save the world, but that’s a heavy burden to lay on anyone.
The thing that makes it heavy for me, however, is that I rebelled. So I’m not doing what I need to do to save the world- I chose a different path.
And once again, Tumblr, you’ve helped me come to the root of my problem.
My guilt is all about the fact that I walked away from what I was ‘supposed to do’. And since what I was ‘supposed to do’ was so significant, I can’t shake it.
good progress. I’m glad I stayed up for this.
*by “I can’t bring myself to even really initiate sex”, i mean that sometimes I start kissing my partner and eventually we have sex. which very loosely counts as initiating sex.
EDIT: the whole bloody but beautiful thing: that’s who I’ve become now.
